enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
