I think i peed on brittanys purse
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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