I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i drank out of a bidet.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
