Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
