He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
