the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
