Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.