You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
