Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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