____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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