apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
