I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize