Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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