youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
