we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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