Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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