yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
