Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
