so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
