We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
