$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
