I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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