Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
