I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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