he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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