i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
