____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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