when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
