Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
