and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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