Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
