Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
