I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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