so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
