I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
