Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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