Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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