apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
