i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
