haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
