Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
