you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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