Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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