i think my mom watched the whole time
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
