Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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