Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
