my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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