Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
