I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
