Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
