I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
