just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
