You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
