Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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