I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
