There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
