Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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